My heARTist Story

My mother tells me that as I child I would be singing as we walked down the aisles of the grocery store. I remember being a small girl who watched the world around her with avid curiosity and intrigued observation. I enjoyed letting energy flow through me in the form of art and music, playing and dancing.

But I was also shy and even at a young age had perfectionistic tendencies. My mother tells me that I would often refuse to draw because it wouldn't come out on paper like what I saw in my imagination. When I noticed people hear me singing, I would become self-conscious and hide away within myself.

My perfectionism and social fear continued into my adolescence. In middle school choir my vocal teacher would constantly tell me that my voice was beautiful but that I sang too quietly. I didn't make it into the honors choir group for that reason. I did recieve the Art Award for my 8th grade class which I was pleasantly surprised about, and my parents were supportive of my artistic skills. However, I was already convinced by society that "becoming an artist when I grew up" was an unrealistic notion and that being a "starving artist" was not the direction I wanted to go. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I "grew up", I would usually say artist or teacher, but in my mind I knew artist was probably impossible. I also had a secret desire to be a famous singer, but that fantasy seemed so impossible and egotistical that I never told anyone about it.

Throughout my teenage years, I doodled my way through school classes and church services. I felt trapped, bored and depressed a lot of the time--and the drawing kept me in a more peaceful, meditative mood. The only time I sang for many years was in church worship. I usually felt connected to God more during these moments of collective song.

In college, I wasn't sure what to major in, but I eventually decided on Global Studies Major and Art Minor. Global Studies was a unique program designed to help students learn about global and local systems and issues in an very experiential way. This program altered my lifepath in drastic ways. Choosing to be an Art Minor was perfect for me because I was able to do art and learn some new ways of creating artistically without the pressures and major critiques that come with Majoring in Art. A couple classes that particularly stood out to me were 3D Design and Ceramics. I was more familiar with drawing and 2D art, and these two classes expanded my artistic experience. In 3D Design, I was first introduced with the concept of "process vs product". One of the first assignments in the class was to do some free flow art--to practice Presence in our artistic process. The goal was to leave behind any care about the resulting peice and become totally absorbed in the feeling of the process. This blew my mind as I realized how much fear and perfectionism had been imbued into all my art to that point.

Graduating from college was a major shift for me as I suddenly realized I was done fulfilling my "duties" of schooling. All these years of doing what my parents, the church, and society expected of me (and what I expected of myself), only to find myself facing the exciting and scary question of "What's Next?". I felt enthusiastic because I felt more free than I had in a long, long time. The next few years was full of travel and nature. For a bit I worked at an Outdoor Science School in the Redwood forest, and then felt the magical pull to Hawai'i.

Transitioning to Hawai’i life was a dream come true for me, and I went through a massive transformation as I connected with the land and the special people who lived there. I danced and I swam naked and I ate lots of exotic fruits. I went through a huge rebirthing process as I let go of many false beliefs I had been holding onto within myself. Throughout these years I consistently doodled in my journal, and slowly became more comfortable with showing people my drawings, and drawing collaboratively with friends. During this time I learned ukulele and sang lots of kirtan at a Krishna community. After about one year of playing ukulele, I started singing with it and learning some basic Rainbow songs.

Soon, some simply songs started coming through me. Little mantras and spiritual reminders would take on a tune. My connection with nature and with musical communities were hugely helpful in my journey with the voice. As my throat chakra opened and I began to sing more, I also started sharing my visual art more. All of a sudden I felt the call to create more complete pieces and to share online. As I started to do this, I was humbled and empowered by the positive feedback. It felt good to share myself after so many years of hiding from myself and others. It also felt very vulnerable, and I had many moments of "self-doubt attacks" after sharing artwork or a song.

It has been a handful of years now since I have become more open with sharing creatively, and I still have moments of self-doubt, but by now I have a lot of practice in dealing with them. Affirmations and self-love help me get back on track and enable me to continue sharing, regardless of what my inner judge has to say about it. One of the main challenges that has come up since I've been more publicly sharing has to do with my creative process. It is a constant practice for me to create from a clear channel instead of from the voice that says "do it this way, that's what people will like", or "when you share this art with others, you'll feel happy and complete". This voice takes me away from the present moment and from the purity of creative energy flowing through. I find it helpful to regularly engage in free-flow art to keep my mind from taking control. I still need to constantly remember that art is about the process--the moment--not so much the result. When I focus presently on the process, on one step at a time, the result is always better.

As my own creative journey unfolds, I feel a spark within my heart of passion and purpose. This spark desires to help others on their own creative journey. On a deep soul level, I feel the potent medicine of creative expression and I want to see everyone opening to this energy! It looks different for everyone, and that is part of the unique creative beauty of existence. All I can do for you is share my own experience and truth. I am currently in the process of stepping into a deeper level of empowering and holding space for both myself and others on our individual and collective creative soul journey…

Blessed Be!